The Celebration

We should treat tonight like it's our last night together
We can drink and dance and sing and laugh
Tell each other the secrets we always wanted to tell
Show each other exactly the kind of person we are, guiltily
And tell each other the people the want to become
Share our dreams for the future
About how different it has become from when we were kids
And we'll stay up all night even when we're too tired to even talk anymore
We'll just lie on the ground, all of us holding hands and listening to the music
One of us will tell a bad story and we'll laugh all over again at the horribleness of it
We should treat tonight like it's our last night together
Because one of these days, it will be

For All The People You Hate

Nobody is the villain in their own life
They may hate and despise themselves, but they aren't the root of all evil, at least in their own opinion
Everyone is just trying to get by and do right by themselves
Remember that the next time you can't be bothered with someone
When you write them off as hopeless and worthless
That deep down, they're a person as flawed and complex and sad and self involved as you
And all anyone ever needs is just a little more understanding

Lost Love

There are friends you come upon in life that you both just understand, from that moment on you'll be close
There's no reasoning to it
With some people it takes weeks and months of intense contact and conversation to let your guard down
To trust them with your deep dark thoughts
The secrets you know if you let them out too soon, they'd be scared off
Usually it takes a significant amount of time before your mind is even ready to admit that this is a person you really truly care about
But every once in awhile you run into a person
Where after only meeting a few times
You spend a long night admitting all your fears of life
How you can't stand how your boyfriend loves at you instead of with youHow alone and scared you are of the future and where you are and where you're going even though you're not alone and you think you have a plan
You talk about your secret dreams you don't tell other people about
It's important to figure out who these people are in your life
And to hold them close to you
Finding people that love and understand you just the way you are is near impossible
People who do so right away are never worth letting go

Don't Die Loving Nobody

There are people sitting at home in their favourite spot on their couch
Watching TV and not really paying attention to it
Instead they're thinking about you
They're thinking about how they never think about you enough
They never call or write or try to see you
But they love you all the same
And are very glad for the little time you already spent together
They're thinking about how sad they are that they never get to see you anymore
Then a voice will call out from another room
They'll be pulled from that thought
And they won't think about it again for many months
Perhaps even years
And one day you'll move even farther away
And they'll think of you even less
But you will live on entangled in their lives
Every time they drink that beer you taught them to love
Or they hear that song you used to belt out no matter who else was around
Or every time they have to explain the scuff mark on their car to anyone who asks
Even if you're the loneliest person in the world right now
Don't die loving nobody

You Can't Hurt Me - I Can't Love You

Whenever I'm with you
I only think of who I was a year ago
You were nobody to me then
Less than nobody, you were nothing
And I only think that a year from now it may be the same case

Relax, and Watch Some TV

Nobody exists on purpose. 

Nobody belongs anywhere.
Everyone is going to die. 

Street Sweeper

Sometimes to move on you have to take away the reminders of the past

Lonely

Live in your loneliness a bit
It's one of the few chances you get to really meet yourself

Just A Fling

Every day he woke up something was a little different
Sometimes it was a lot different
He would fall asleep with green eyes and wake up with blue
He would wake up being gently rocked by the waves surrounded by cool sheets and comfort where he fell asleep in dirty rags on a corner
The people would be similar
Their names would most definitely change day to day
And he would never know why
It had been this way for a very long time
But he kept at it
Because every day he would spend his day looking for her
And every day, he would find her for the first time
She was always the same person, but always different
That was his gift and his curse
Every day was his first day meeting her
Trying all over again to win her love
And falling asleep knowing tomorrow, he would have to do it again
Smiling because he knew he would gladly

Yesterday's Mistakes

There was a day years ago in the past
Where you felt like it couldn't get any worse
That this was truly the worst day ever
And maybe it was true
But the better revelation is
Today you probably can't remember a single part of that day at all
Just the lesson you took from it

Keep Going

Don't be afraid
Don't close your heart to the world
Keep it open even if it kills you
It's the only way it will be worth it in the end

Transference

Those who rely on the forgiveness of god are the ones least deserving of it

Why Amn't I

I don't know why I am
I don't know why I amn't
I just try my best
I keep my head down until I don't
I try to do the right thing
But sometimes I slip up
I just want to get by

Everyone Is A Pawn Until They're Your Mother

A Quick Lesson On Peace:

1) If you make a decision for someone, you take the glory and the inevitable destruction for them as well.
2) Treat someone like a child, and you find out if they are a child. Treat someone like an adult, and you'll find out if they are an adult. But one never determines the other.
3) There is always a reason for everything. This doesn't mean the ends justify the means, but it does put it in perspective.
4) The greatest victims are the ones who had no say to begin with.

Pride and Glory

Every time I swell with even a little pride
I feel a little sad too
Because when I think about it
There's no land I can really call home

We All Have Our Strengths

I wish you could see the world the way I see it
I wish I could face the world the way you fight it

Lucky 7s

You treat each day as if it's worthless
Just another day
Oblivious that tomorrow could be the day that changes everything
Even if it isn't, just the chance that it might makes it worth far more than nothing

Perfect Strangers

I saw your face in a stranger today
I haven't thought of you for so long
But in an instant it all came flooding back
And I thought maybe you don't look like that anymore
It's been so long that you'd be more of a stranger than this one

Myrtle Beach

I wonder why you go to him
Time and time again in cover of darkness
Hiding your beauty under veil from prying neighbour eyes
Afraid of being caught
Clinging to something that lets you feel some semblance of comfort
Afraid of truly pursuing happiness

Message In A Bottle

I'm not sure if I don't love you anymore. I don't think about you. You don't haunt my dreams and my waking thoughts like you used to. Life feels like it's taken on an almost greyscale. I wake up, I shower and brush my teeth, I go to work. Every day is the same. I stopped having dreams altogether. For months it was the same, I didn't even know I'd fallen into a monotony. They say if you do something to change your vision, your perception, your mind grows accustomed to it. If you wear wear splotchy glasses, eventually they will seem clear to you. That's how I felt. Until I saw you again last night. It's like all the lights in the room dimmed and the colours on your dress became super saturated. You looked so... Alive. And I had to remind myself that I didn't love you anymore. I had to remind my palms to stop sweating, my heart to stop beating so fast. My breath to catch.

I'm not sure if I don't love you anymore, and I'm not sure if I want to anyways.

Someday, Maybe

Someday, maybe
Those are the words I used to think to myself
When I would sit and watch you from afar
Dreaming up all the wonderful things you must be up to
And even after we were far from each other
I would dream about you
And build you up like a doll
Dressing you up in my fantasies and desires
All the qualities I wish I had, I instead gave to you
Someday, maybe
I would dream but never allow myself to think it
You were, I thought my desire
But in fact you were my obstacle
All the things I wanted you to have
All the things I thought I lacked
I had them all
And you finally faded from my memory
Finally
And I finally stopped dreaming
Finally
Slowly, I started to see those merits in myself
So, finally, I am ready for you
Someday, maybe

That Lump In Your Throat

There is not a lot left that motivates me
I wake up each morning wondering if today will be any different from yesterday
And I go to sleep each night trying to forget just how similar it ended up turning out
I see no end in sight for a long time
And no forecast of change
The only thing that keeps me going is a memory
When I would look at you, and get that lump in my throat
As if on the verge of not being able to breath
Or perhaps like five seconds before starting to weep
It's a memory that reminds me that I once felt truly alive
That perhaps one day I'll feel alive again for someone else

Leave Fear Behind

Take my hand
I can take you from this place
Guide you from the dangers and worries
Right through to where you should have been all this time
I know where it is
I know because I can't go there myself anymore
I can just walk along beside
Doomed to feel content and nothing more

Soft Sense

You are like the word soft
For me the word soft completely personifies the sensation it describes
Soft things are soft, as the word soft is also soft
In the same way that your name so perfectly personifies who you are
I think that because no other one word really describes just how wonderful you are
Even the word wonderful doesn't quite do you justice
I sometimes have dreams about other people that I know
But never about you
I don't think my subconscious can handle trying to portray even a caricatured version of you
And yet I sometimes think
You make me feel the way soft things make me feel
Warm and comforted and safe
You make me feel soft

To Whom It May Concern

I've written all these letters to you
So many, countless, letters
With words and thoughts that amaze me that they could come from my own hand
With expressions of love and wonder and grandeur that I never thought I would ever be capable of feeling for anyone, much less have already felt
And the greatest loss of all
Is that I don't even remember your name

All Dried Up

The day has come and gone
You who filled my entire existence at a time
Simply snuffed out
Quiet shuffled away like the end of day litter
I think about all the things I should want to say to you
And none of it strikes me as useful
None of it seems to matter
Sometimes once a relationship is dead, it's just dead and nothing more
All there's left to do is grieve and move on

Fixation

I want to live on for you, not as a person or even a fond memory
I want to live for you as an idea
Not the words that I said to you at a party
Not any specific compliment (or insult)
I want to live as the thoughts that those words spark in your mind
The nights you lie awake, wondering if its true
Inbetween the spare moments you stare off into space at work
The weekends where you work tirelessly to prove it all wrong
The hours you spend pushing yourself to be more than you were
I want to live in your existence
Long after you have forgotten the words that spurred your change
I want to live in the new self you become
When you finally stop being your own biggest obstacle

You Can Still Save Me

As the undercurrent pulls me down
Tugging on each toe as I fight to keep my head above water
I gasp one final breath and fall under the waves
Struggling and fighting
Crying out futilely under water, for help
Praying in my mind for a savior
And as the darkness eats at the edges of my vision
I look down
Accept the inevitable
And dive deeper to see what may come

Most People

With most people you don't feel all that close
But there's those few that make it within your guard
The ones you think about at the end of the day
Or maybe just on Monday mornings
You may not even like them all that much
But they're there just the same
Those are the people you should hold most dear
Your heart knew to let them in
So never let them get away again

Just Want To Talk To You

All the times I sat at home and wondered what you were doing
All the times I was with people I couldn't care less about
Wishing that you were there with me to laugh at all their awful jokes with me
The stretches of time I spent so far from you
Fulfilling my own dreams
Becoming the man I thought I always wanted to be
Now all I can think about
Is how I would trade all that time away for one more day with you
I just want you back
I just want to talk to you, one last time
To tell you what I had for lunch today
To tell you about the stupid bitch at work
All the things that I once thought weren't worth talking about
All I can think about now is that I want to tell you everything until my voice runs dry
And even then I want to keep whispering with a cracked voice
I want to tell you I thought we had more time
I'm sorry

The Newly Wed Game

I like to sit in the lobbies of buildings and watch the couples come and go. I like it the way I like watching movies with sad endings. I imagine what they must be like, the kind of people they are. How they met each other. Why they love each other. It depresses me every time. It depresses me because I always come up with stories of how they met a long time ago, and had so many things in common then, and they used to look a lot more attractive, in general and to each other. And as time passed, they got lazy, both with their interests and their looks. They stopped going out as often. Except for their once a week date to the same old bar. And birthdays and anniversaries and holidays are the same tired story every year. And it's just a countdown to divorce or children, whichever comes first. They both started to recede into themselves, happy that they at least found someone. Happy they didn't end up alone, content that they have someone they can rely on, but ignoring the part of their soul crying out for passion. For love. They do more things on their own, more of their lives are secrets from each other. Not even for any particular reason, it's not as if they're cheating. He is an internet expert on airline crashes, she frequently is at bars hitting on girls - not because she's a lesbian, but because she likes knowing she can still attract people, without it 'technically' being cheating. They have sex once a week, on Sunday afternoon (because usually they have no other plans then) - it stopped being making love a long time ago. It's just mechanical, their lie they tell themselves that things are still okay.

Just before they leave my sight, just before the elevator door closes and they leave my life forever, I hope that I'm wrong, and that things will work out (or that maybe they're just brother and sister). But I never really believe it to be true.

Life After Love

I hope there never comes a day
Where you fall out of love
And are too old and too scared to do anything about it

Ynotophobia

Our worries grow to the limits of our perceived existence.

When you can imagine the world as far as the corners of the planet, your worries accordingly grow to encompass the globe. Fears of faraway wars, pollution, global warming, of shrinking rainforests, torture and rape and murder. Nightmares of a future devoid of life.

If your life is limited to the world you physically see, then your worries still fill your entire world. Fear of accidents and muggings. Of all the million and one misfortunes that could befall you from the moment you wake to the moment you're back, safe in bed.

(And perhaps even there too).

And if your life is limited to yourself, even in yourself you will find fear. Fear of toxins and poisons and viruses and bacteria and cancer. Of your own body turning on you.

Nothing in life is out to get you. There is a point in time where you will die. Between now and then your only enemy is your own fear. Your fear that will simply slow down the amount of living you do before that day comes.

To My Daughter

You don't live even as a dream yet in my mind or heart. You are just an idea. An inevitability, like how growing old or buying a house or retiring is an inevitability. There is a recess of my mind where it seems obvious that one day I will not only think of you more, but you will exist. I'm not sure why. It's almost a primal part, the part that still wants to fight for life. That refuses to be brought down by all the things that can and do bring me down.

What's funny is I'm afraid I won't make it to that day. Either because my body will have given up on me, or I will have given up. Or I may live forever, and just never get to meet you anyways. That's not the funny part. The funny part is while I'm afraid I might not make it to that day, there's no doubt about how I will fare from that day on. From that day on my life will go from ending with my own inadequate life, to stretching onward towards the future. And the rest of the little time I'd have left, would be for you. Of that, I have no doubt.

See you then.

Running On Empty

The ideas have long since run dry in my own head
I resort to stealing ideas from yours

Water Restrictions

You always take for granted the things that are seemingly free
The roof over your head
The air you breath
The water you drink
But what would happen if living in a home wasn't just a given
Or the atmosphere was so toxic
That you had to pay for the privilege to breath clean air
Or there simply wasn't enough water to drink
And you had to ration your allotment

Life could be so much worse
Yet
We're always concerned with how bad it is anyways

I Miss You

You don't come around nearly as often as you used to
We still keep your room the way you like it
Your old movie posters we took off the wall (they're in a box in the closet)
But your old stuffed animals are still in there
We even keep the old blanket on it
The one you used to sleep with as a kid
With a corner pulled back for when you want to go back to bed
Whenever you feel like going back to bed
Whenever you feel like being my kid again

A Passing Acquaintance

We're scared of waving at half remembered acquaintances
Wondering if their name will reach our tongue before their hand meets ours to shake
Worried that they will remember all the intimate details of our life
Memories and anecdotes from past lives
And worried more that we won't remember any of theirs

C'est La Vie

I dreamt about you again last night

My heart is not my friend

I know that now

Because for every waking minute I spend associating your image with red

And every stabwound I suffer to my soul for the idiotic things you say

I go to sleep at night

And marvel in your oddities

Like the way you can ball your toes and crack them when you're particularly pleased
Or you have a proud defiance in your driving ability

Or the rareness of your smile

Especially for me

Sonder Dreams

There is a whole different reality happening in every single person's head every minute of every day. So complete and so different that in their minds they fantasize what might be in the lives of people around them.

You have no idea the number of lives you've lived in the hearts of strangers.

Swept From Hardship

Sometimes more than anything else
You need to drown in the truth of their love for you

Quiet Thoughts On Long Drives

When I think of the future I imagine this great big hulking bridge. Kind of like the Golden Gate bridge, that I'm standing at the base of on one side. Except that it grows larger and more menacing the further along it you look. Until it's towering over my entire life, threatening to crush me. I feel intimidated by the future. Scared because I am so frightened of the idea of living my life, the way it is, for another fifty or more years. That right now might be the best it'll ever be, which isn't even saying much, and it will just be a slow and terrible decline into squalor and poverty and obscurity. That I'll let everyone I know and love down, disappoint them all, before they too drift from my life. I'm scared I'll never have the courage to fight for a better life, nor the courage to just end it. Just fated to live a long and cowardly and pathetic life.

I'm so scared my whole life will have been for nothing, and I'll have suffered a lifetime for no reason at all.

I'm just as scared that sometime between now and the end, I'll just stop caring. And just be okay with it all. And not be afraid any more. Isn't it sad that as scared as I am of living a meaningless and useless and pathetic and difficult life, I am even more scared that it will be all those things and I would be okay with it.

Being afraid is the last shred of hope that I have left.

Night Brings Fear

I lay with my arms wrapped around you
My head resting on your chest
And I pull it in tight
Willing my own pulse to stop racing
To slow down and to match the one beating through your chest to me
I fall asleep each night upset and stressed that I can never make our hearts sync up
Terrified that our lives will beat on in different directions
That tomorrow is the day we wake up and look at each other
And realize we've come too far apart
I fall asleep with all those worries and more
And I sleep
And I wake up to my heart beating slowly
And your heart beating in sync with mine
And I remember that everything will be okay

Shadows of the Forest

I can feel you slipping away

Becoming more and more faint as you move amongst the trees

Until all that is left is your shadow

And the night simply eats that up too

My Love Is Too Terrible and Wonderful for You

And you will know that it will be too much for your heart to handle
Too much for your soul to bare
But it won't matter
Because my love is too intoxicating to do without
And you are an addict

The Shit That Lives in My Heart Everyday

I don't want you to try and understand it
I don't want you to say you feel sorry or bad or what have you
I want you to truly feel how horrible it is to be like this all the time
To have this feeling of a physical sensation pulling you backwards from inside your chest
That it's yourself that you're fighting every day just to move forward
Just to get up and face the day
To smile and pretend everything is all right
(But pretending is not enough, you have to pretend so hard you even believe it)
To not wish that when you sleep tonight, you'll wake up 70 years later with a day left to go on your miserable life
And knowing even then it won't come soon enough
I want you to know I don't like being like this
I want to be like you
But I only know how to be like me

We Met Too Late

I sometimes go through my old memories
Like an old person might go through a photo album
And I think of all the moments most precious to me
Of how much better they would have been with you in them
I sometimes work so hard to believe that you were actually there
That I can't remember the first time we met any more
With each passing day there grows an older memory with you in it
Our first kiss
Our first date
Our first day of school
Our first word
Our first step
So much so that in life we had only a few years together
But in death we had a lifetime
And all I have left are my memories

Floating on Consciousness

You can live your whole life awake
And still never learn all there is to learn
See all there is to see
You can only hope that for every moment, that it was enough

The Evil You Fear

I can only hope we grow up to be the heroes of our stories
And pray that if we become the villains, that we live our lives oblivious to it
And die in anonymity

Endless Winter

That night. It was a mild July night. It might have been August. My memory is not so great any more. Nothing was different about that night, but yet everything was. Just the right mix of alcohol and tension. Enough of wrong, outweighed by too much now. An abandonment of tomorrow. That night, summer ended for me. I didn't know it, but it did. Followed by a winter that has not yet ended. And only now, in the dark of the night, years later, has fear found me. Fear that I will never feel the heat of summer again. That for the rest of my life I will live in this bleak winter. Worse yet, than if and when summer finally does crest, that I won't care any more, or won't notice.

Streaks on the Car Window Pane

There's a spot on the window that shows your fingerprint
The rain never goes over it, it goes around it
Through the ridges in your print
Such that it almost looks like maybe you had just touched it
That your hands had been wet and you had rested it there just a moment ago
That was three weeks ago
Your hand will never touch this window again

Won't Pass Judgement

There is comfort in anonymity
Knowing that you can speak your mind and you can't be personally affected
That there is just some ghostly version of yourself that takes the credit for your fortunes and misdeeds
But despite that
There is more comfort in having just someone know who you are behind it all
And knowing they won't judge you any less for it

And so I Became a Weapon

It didn't need to become a fight
We didn't need to end up this way
But you were too stubborn then
And I am too stubborn now
We threw everything we had at each other
And now there's nothing left to salvage
I hope you are doing well
I miss you

Five

I want you to know it's not your fault

And someday, when the wounds don't feel so fresh, we can talk again

Someday Soon, I Hope

Someday soon I hope we can finally figure out what we're doing with our lives
That we can say 'this is finally what I want to be doing'
And feel like things are falling into place
Someday soon

Someday soon I hope we can be surrounded by our friends and family
Look into each others eyes with all the love that we can muster into them
And say 'I do'
Someday soon

Someday soon I hope we can have lots of kids
And that all our kids will be friends with each other
They will sit around the dinner table laughing and whispering secrets to each other
Someday soon

Someday soon I hope we can say we're content with everything we have
We will look back on lives lived and love fulfilled and want for no more
And be happy that every day more together is just another blessing
Someday soon

I Don't Know You; I Love You

Sometimes you need to sit down and really talk to people
With people you don't really know, and might not even really like
Just really sit down and talk
Not about the bullshit and the news and the celebrities and the gossip
Just talk about what your heart really cares about
And bare your soul completely
In hopes they will do the same
It's not to get closer to them
Not only at least
It's for you to learn: we might value different things, believe different things
But deep down, we really are all the same
We are just as lost as everyone else
We have no idea what to do
We have no idea what we want
We are scared we'll be found out
We just want to be loved for who we are

First Days of Spring

I pray that your times of sadness are just long enough
So the the first days of spring may inspire hope
So that even the mild nights of driving with the window down
Is enough to believe that everything might be okay again

The Words I Don't Know

You should lie down for awhile
You've been working for a long time now
I can see you're tired
I can see you're upset
I want you to feel better but I don't know what else to say

Nevertheless

Do you feel it too?
The distance between us?
Does it feel like it grows every day?
Can you see it widening, like a slight crack in the dirt slowly, over millenia, turning into the Grand Canyon?
Do you even care?
Do I?

You Could Do It If You Tried

You should go for it
You can do it, absolutely you can
Hundreds, if not thousands, of humans have done all the things you aspire to do
And the only reason you doubt yourself is you think, what, that they have something you don't?
The only obstacle you'll ever face in your life is yourself

Songs for the End of the World

Life used to stretch on forever ahead of me
And then one day I realized that I was slowly ticking downwards on a timer
To the day I won't be around any more
That scared me until I realized that was no different than before

Goodbye

Sometimes we don't need more than right now
We just need the comfort that we would give more if we could
That we would stay around forever if we could

Beginnings

For every fond memory you have of late nights with good friends
There is a memory where you tepidly shook their hand, thinking that you'd rather be anywhere else
For all the good times you've had
There's the times where things were most uncertain, just before they all worked out
For each and every end, there is a beginning

And for every change away from a good thing, there's always opportunity for better

Breaking Up With Your Ghost: A Guide

With these three simple tips, you too can achieve all your dreams! Remember your ABC's!

Avoid all live encounters! This includes visits, accidental encounters in public, or phone calls of any kind. Resort instead to asynchronous communication, such as SMS texting or email. This will ensure you are never immediately available, and never obligated to respond.

Be overly excited! For those times you can't hide behind your phone or computer, feigning a bubbly personality can trick most unobservant eyes into thinking you have a fully formed personality and truly are interesting and interested. Just open your eyes a little wider, smile with your teeth showing constantly, and be excited about everything the other person happens to be talking about.

Chat about nothing! Make sure to be prepared with mindless banter about topics that you could talk for long periods of time about, but are the conversational equivalent of packing kernels. Avoid things like politics, wars, and general topics that people might feel strongly about, you don't want to give away how little you know about it all!

Prognosis

Because sometimes life is more beautiful when it's at its most fucked up

How to Stop Feeling Like Your Life Isn't Good Enough

It's easy to let life devolve into a series of deadlines

Constantly rushing to the next milestone

Don't let it

Don't live your life by other people's timelines

Potential

Don't try to live up to your potential
Make your potential live up to your life

It Makes Me Mad

And on the surface, yes, of course, it makes me mad
That news of the last fatal protest hasn't even ended before reporting of the next one begins
The wars of the world seem to meld into just shifting conflicts over time
That we're probably just as generally culturally backwards here as any other country we call 'the third world'
And yet
You and I will never do anything real about it all

Dream Journal

Some dreams I have are so vivid
That months later I have trouble distinguishing them from actual memory
I'm scared that some day
I'll wake up and find out half my waking life was spent asleep

True Legend

You can only hope that when all is said and done, you end up becoming a memory someone remembers even once a year

He Was A Stand Up Guy

Love isn't finding someone that fits your tastes
It's finding someone that makes you want to adapt to theirs

Cloister

I keep peering out between the columns
Kids smile with all their teeth as they run past
Parents watch over neighbouring children as vigilantly as their own
The sky is a spotless blue, marked only by the kites flying so high up in it they seem like planes cruising overhead
I watch and wonder
If today is the day I finally step outside
If today is the day I stop being afraid of the sun

For River

I live with such regret
About all the big things, and most of the the little things
If I could do it all again, I would change every single thing
Would grow up in a different place and become a different person
I would change everything
Except for you

Permanence

As we rush to get things faster, cheaper, and to the entire world
Don't forget to keep the things you like most
So that you'll still have photos to look at and cds to listen to when you're old

The Lord is Out of Control

Late in the night I wonder
If it will all be worth it
If someday I will meet my maker
And we'll walk down some petal strewn path
And he'll say "My boy, I've been waiting a long time for you
I almost didn't think you were going to make it at some points!
I almost thought about going a little easier on you, but I knew you'd make it!
Riveting stuff, you were a delight to watch."
It makes it just a little easier to bear it all

It's Not Enemies Who Betray You

For all the barriers you build in your heart
For all the distance you put between you and everyone else
Inevitably, trust will be your undoing

Camp's Edge

I stood there, thirty feet from the camp fire, in the dark and praying I didn't get any pee on my feet. I felt, for the first time, everything and everyone I cared about was within reach, nearby. And the rest of the world, and my job, and my problems, and my life, just everything, was all miles and miles away from me. The past didn't matter here, and neither did the future. All there was, was now, the darkness, the starlight, and the laughter echoing between the trees.

Atmosphere

Sitting inside and relaxing is all well and good
On days that are rainy and gloomy
But every once in awhile you have to go outside
And remember that life isn't so bad when you get rained on

For Xuan

Time only can move along so fast
Sometimes we need to get up and run along beside it
And say 'catch up! I'm ready for the next thing already!'

Dragged in a Life Preserver

I'm coasting
I can't help but glide along
Letting life take hold and drag me forward
Caught in the slipstream on the easiest path through
Leaning back and wondering
How different it would be if I took control

Who am I

The edges of your self don't end at your skin and fingernails and hair

It stretches across the pavement riddled with the faded invisible prints of your feet

Over all the pages you have ever signed your name to

It echoes in faraway hallways from the mouths of friends and family

It ends in the hearts and minds those who truly love you

So little of yourself is yourself

Over and over again

Our love was as old and unbreakable as the cliffs on the shore
Jagged and unrelenting to the crashes of the ocean
Over and over day after day
Never realizing it was slowly eroding away
Until the little pieces of our love lay strewn across the shore
Carried away in the pockets of the new lovers coming to lie on our beach

Wispy

I wonder what strange secrets you keep buried in your heart
Deep down with those moments you retreat to in darkness
I wonder if you feel the whisper of a memory and realize
You'll never feel that way ever again

Bracebridge

We drove for miles in the darkness
Me, gently holding the steering wheel
You, whispering over the sounds of the wet tires rolling on the asphalt
And my grip gets just a little tighter
As your soul melts in my passenger seat
And you talk of all the things that have broken you over the years
And I hold on stronger
To stay my hand from reaching out to grab yours
Trying not to try and fix you
Trying not to show I'm just as broken

Rose colored glasses

Have you ever loved someone so much
So completely
That you were torn between wrapping them up in your arms
Holding them so close and tight that you could feel their heart in your heart
Smell their hair as you hide your face in it
Squeezing your eyes shut just hoping to meld into their warmth
And yet you also wanted to open your eyes
Just see everything about them
Watch all the stupid silly mundane things they do
Just squealing inside yourself for nothing else than the pleasure of it all

Train tracks to no where

I'm on this set of rails
I don't know where it leads
I don't even know why I'm on it
But I am spending every waking moment
Not to go flying off the track
So scared of veering off
So scared of slowing down
Of stopping
That now I see the end of the tracks
And realize I never once checked what had passed me by

Stripped of words

I wonder if I like music without lyrics because the lack of words lets me attach meaning
That the same song one day can be happy, the next sad
Or if it's because sometimes I can't stand to hear other people saying the words I hear in my head every day
I wonder if I write poetry because I'm too fucking stupid to write stories
Too fucking lazy to write even short stories
Too fucking uninspired to write music
Too fucking emotionless to write music without lyrics

Never been kissed

I don't know when exactly it happened
When I settled for never falling in love the classical way
For never letting lust win
For believing that slow burn romances were all I could ever hope for in life at best
That I would never sweep someone off their feet
That the best I could amount to was someone who could just barely stand to still want to see my face at the end of the day just before sleep
I don't know when I started believing that love
True love
The kind I used to fawn over about while watching old movies
And dream about at night
That that love wasn't for someone like me

Canon

I am lazy as fuck
Which is why I use the same few words
And have the same thoughts
Day after day
Too fucking unmotivated to pull myself out of my own self pity
And do something about it

My fingers are cold

Even the lowliest of the downtrodden
Have seem some shit
No matter how worthless you think you are
We all have a story worth telling
Worth being alive to tell

Temple of Memories

My life is a collection of six happy memories
That I struggle to hold onto
As I get swept away in a spiral of hopelessness
Sprinting from task to mindless meaningless task
Hoping to run from the despair hulking in the recesses of my mind
And I smile in dimly lit intimate bars
Laughing and nodding at everyone's stories
And telling and retelling my six happy memories
While pretending it's just the surface of a content and wonderful life
And sometimes I believe it too
That my life is just 37 total minutes of existence
That was all pure bliss
And the rest was just sleep
Or like the middle of a sneeze
And I lived between the moments I wiped my nose
Before another four year wind up to a sneeze
And in the early morning
When its early enough that the sun hasn't even come up yet
I wonder if maybe I'm just having one long nightmare
That no, really, I don't deserve to live in my mind with people that hate me

Capitalism is great

If you stare at your feet
As you ought to in Times Square
You can hardly tell if it's day or night
The garish reds and whites light up your shoes like Christmas
Kids who seem like they should be in bed being scolded by young parents
Play amongst traffic that seems bizarre for 5am

Feelings cause words

I'm sorry I'm depressing, but, I dunno, fuckin' deal with it

Sitting under the banyan tree

There's not much use in waxing philosophically
And coming to brilliant epiphanies
If we just keep going through the same paces
And keep going to bed with the same hatred in our heart
With the same tired fake smile on our face every morning

Fool me twice

For every scratched elbow
For every dent in your car
For every fractured bone
For every slip and fall
For every one drink too many
For every one insult too far
For every night you spend alone
For every time you break your heart
That's just one more lesson learned

Single serving memories

There are many pages I have thrown into my trash
That have a different single word written on each one of them
A single word that was the first of a thousand
A thousand words that would only begin to describe a time and emotion I try so hard to forget

I wonder sometimes if there is a seagull somewhere out there
Flying amongst all the debris at the garbage dump
That has collected all the pieces of paper with all of the words
And created a nest of all the memories I have tried for so long to forget

If these walls could speak

You look at me as if my words are worth nothing
As if when I open my lips
It's just random gasps of air escaping
And the words each reverberate off each wall
Absorbed and remembered by the atoms
Another memory of a breakup bonding with the glue between the wallpaper and plaster

Dance your face off

You do it in the dark alleyways
Or in your bedroom
With all the lights off
When you think you're all alone
At your most private
You've had enough alcohol
But not enough dance floor
Not enough time
You put your earphones in
And it's just the right song
Where you know all the words
And just when the beat drops
Your eyes block out the world
You turn up the volume
Until all there is
Is you and the music
And then there is just music
Just essence floating through space

Scared of the edge

I stand by the railing
My heart beats a mile a minute
And I look over the edge
Assuring myself I won't accidentally jump

The Daily Epiphany

Have you ever thought about some of the weird people in your life
Or the angry people
Or the people you just wish wouldn't exist anymore
And just thought, how can they act like that?
Or think that way?
Don't they even realize what people think of them?
And of course, the answer is no, they don't
They think people like them
Love them
They really and truly do think that, or else of course they would change
Even when they say things like "yea, I know I'm a bitch"
Or "It's okay, people find that endearing about me"
They don't really acknowledge their shortcomings
I know that because I realized that about myself
I realized I am a person some people don't want around
Or even like
People don't like me that I thought did
Even loved me
And it's because of who I am
And what's funny is it's all things I've known about myself completely
I just never dreamt that people would hate me for the same reasons I hate myself

Waiting for the shootout

I sit across from him
A tree outside the window framing his blonde dreads
As if he's the direct descendant of mother nature
And he tells me of a life I know nothing about
And the shots ring out on the street
He assures me
"It's okay, It's only Thursday"
And he smiles at his joke
As we hide under the table
And plaster falls all around us

Every which way but up

Tomorrow could be the most important day of your life
Tomorrow you could discover that thing you were always looking for
Find that person that completes you
Lose someone you love more than you knew you did
Or even lose yourself

It's worth so much
And we fear the number of them we have left
The number of Tomorrows
Yet when it turns into Yesterday
It's worth so little

He had a shitty day

Even miles away and fast asleep
Your skin will tingle a little
When you become someone else's
"Well at least I have her"

Do no wrong

There's a special place in each of our hearts
Where we keep those people in our lives
Who have gotten past the electrified fences
And past the snarling dogs
And past the snipers in guard towers
The people who couldn't ever hurt us
That we trust completely
The people that we relish being in love with

Innocent flirting

I'm driving 110 mph on the freeway. I can barely see past the end of my hood with all the rain. Not that it would really matter. I'm so drunk my teeth taste like sugar, My breath has grown a film of vodka on it.

She asked me for a ride most mornings. I happily agreed. It was nice to have company on the drive in. And she only lived a block away. Yes, of course that's the only reason I gave her a ride. It was also so that I could feel a little better about driving myself. Carpooling and all that. Just trying to be a little green. And the company didn't hurt.

I'm following the brake lights of the car in front of me as carefully as I can. It's not easy because every turn takes me farther and farther from my home, but at this point I'm just trying to survive. Trying to hold onto the steering wheel and my consciousness with my fingers.

I could hear her laughing from across the warehouse. I loved her laugh so much. So hearty and full and carefree. She always seemed so... confident in her laugh. Like there was no way the little snort it always started with was at all ever strange. I always smiled when I heard her laugh. I found myself wishing more and more often it was me making her laugh.

I keep thinking I could just pull over. I should. I really should just pull over. At the very least stop speeding so fast the bends in the road seem like sharp turns that I'm reacting to slower and slower. Sleep a little while. Try again later. I even have a blanket in the back seat I could use. I could just wrap myself up and go straight to sleep and wait for the sun to come out and chase away the dark thoughts and go on with my life.

She asked me to come over to her place sometimes. We would just watch TV, or even just talk. We would turn off all the lights and close all the windows, and lie on opposite couches, and close our eyes shut. We wouldn't fall sleep or anything. We would just pretend we were dreaming, speaking out what we were doing. So we could share our dreams. I don't know why but I would always be so happy about the situation, but feel so sad. I would never shut my eyes like I was supposed to. Eyes staring at black ceilings that I couldn't tell apart from the insides of my eyelids. And tears would just stream down my face. She used to laugh at me when I claimed it was from drooling in my sleep. I loved to make her laugh.

I am now on a country back road. There's nobody anywhere in sight, and the road is dark. The only light is from my headlights, peering down the infinite path cut through the trees in front of me. I turn off the headlights, and reach back for the blanket. I hold it up to my face and wrap it around me, as the shadows of trees rush past on either side. It smells slightly of sand, and salt water. The beach.

She hadn't liked the beach. She thought there was too much sand, too much sun, too much smell, too many kids. She had spent the majority of the 23 minutes we spent there sitting on the blanket she had brought with her. I didn't mind either way, I was just happy to be out with her. I mostly laid on the blanket, closing my eyes. The blanket smelled of her: a mix of jasmine and lavender. I had been to her place often enough to know she didn't have soaps or shampoos or anything that smelled anything like that. She seemed to just exude it. Or maybe it was just my mind pretending her scent smelled nice at all. I closed my eyes and just swam in the smell a little until she wanted to leave. We got in the car and drove around for awhile, until it got slightly dark. We pulled to a part of the beach where the road ended right by the water. We parked there, and climbed in the back seat, wrapped in our blanket in our warm car on that cold spring night. Huddled together. My arm around her. I couldn't remember feeling more content.

The car was gently rocking me. I was vaguely sure I was still pointed straight ahead, and I reasoned, in my hazy brain, that the trees had seemed pretty thin as we zipped past, if I brushed up against or hit them, it would probably just slow me down a little. I shut my eyes, burying my face in the blanket. I was hit with that scent. It seemed so faraway, but it was there. Underneath the sweat and vodka and sand and salt water and everything. The faintest scent of jasmine and lavender.

It was three weeks after the beach that I first found out about it. About him. She said she had always had a boyfriend, how could she never have brought it up, she wondered. She talked about how they had been together for three years, how she only really spoke or saw him once a week, but it was serious enough that they were talking about marriage and kids and their future together. I couldn't understand at all. "How could you marry someone you see so little of?!" She said she saw him enough. That they would see more than enough of each other once they were married. I just couldn't even fathom it. I had stopped trying to convince myself her behaviour was just overly friendly. I was sure we had been openly flirting for at least a few weeks now. I was going to take her on a real date next week. She had already agreed to meet, I was just going to take her somewhere nice. 

"Don't you love me?"
"Of course I do! I love you more than anyone I know!"
"But, how can you love HIM and me as well!?"
"That's not the same, he's going to be my husband. You're like a really good brother. Or cousin. Or something"
"But... what about the beach."
"...?"

My car has always been my sanctuary from the rest of the world. With a rented out room in a house I don't like in a town I know almost no one in, my parents long dead and having no one else. I had no where else to call home. The town I grew up in had never felt like home, certainly. Now all I had was this car. And this blanket. I take a deep breath, filling myself with her. Why is my car rocking me like this? Oh yeah, it's still driving. I should get up and make sure I don't hit a tree. Maybe just a few more minutes...

Don't let go

The twinkling had vanished from her eyes

The smile on her mouth didn't crinkle her cheeks

And she seemed focused on a point past my own face

That's when I realized it wasn't her who had let go

It was me

Semantic satiation

You know how sometimes you can repeat a word over and over
It sometimes loses meaning
And just becomes a jumble of scrambled sounds
Or the letters don't seem to make up the word they spell
It happens to me a lot
The word 'manslaughter' sometimes repeats so often in my head
I'll see it on a page and repeat it over and over in my head
Manslaughter manslaughter MANslaughter manSLAUGHTER Man's Laughter
Until it's just shapes
And I pick apart the individual letters and wonder where they all came from
The same thing happens with the word "justice"
I read the word "justice" over and over until it's two different words
I picture the guy from the Miller time commercials pointing at you out of the screen
and saying "It's Just Ice!" and winking
That's what I pictured as he read off the list of offences
The judge wearing a giant afro wig
And carrying a tray with cold beers on it
And proclaiming 'Just Ice has been served!'

Nurses are the real heroes

There is a deafening loneliness to the people lying in beds in hallways in the hospital

Six lined up to a wall

     all crying out in pain

          screaming for help

               or whimpering at the futility of their situation

Six people who are all there

     all able to hear each other

          and none listening

All of them lying together alone. 

A measure of success

I've marked all these moments in my life
To show off my accomplishments
In hopes that it will all mean something to you
That you will somehow value me more
I've optimized for the things you seem to measure as worthwhile
And practiced those mannerisms you seem to like
All because I didn't know what you meant
When you said
"You're just not what I'm looking for"

Down is up

I'm doing cartwheels
Over and over one after the other
Trying to get all the blood out of the part of my brain
That makes me think of you