Tuesday, June 21, 2011

My heart comes undone

I stand on the edge of the rooftop
With the two arms of a jacket clasped in my hands
I raise it over my head just as the wind picks up
It catches the back of it, blowing it up like a small sail
I close my eyes and lean into the wind a little
My feet are uncovered, and I edge my toes out over the edge
Feeling the harsh stucco granite underneath
As the wind picks up a little more, I lean into it
Letting it take a bit of my weight
The jacket pulls on my hands
I shut my eyes even tighter, and imagine I am soaring up above the clouds
This is flying

Come back into focus again

We are on an ever shifting, always increasing incline
Some of us sit on the side of this hill and watch the sunset
Some ride it all the way back down
But I turn to face the summit
I will reach the top for myself
I will see what is on the other side

Missing Bullets

The concrete explodes around me
As bullets dot the cobblestone road beside me
I hide under the archway, praying that they will pass me by
You are lying in a pool of your own blood in the middle of the ways
I can't make out where the bullet has entered your chest, the stream of tears on my face makes it too blurry to see
I cannot make it out to you
I want to come to you, to save you
But my body screams out to stay put, to think about itself
But my heart is leaping up and out of my throat, trying to get to you
Still the bullets seem to just miss you around the street
Dozens go running past us, shrieking and falling
Nobody seems to pay attention to me, or to you
Finally, my muscles loosen
I cry out in surprise as my legs carry me to you
I slide to a stop on my knees by your side
I look at you up and down
You're crying too, but you are smiling
You are whispering something, and smiling
I don't understand what you are saying
You need to be louder
I hold my head to your ear
And I hear six beautiful words
Whispered softly, assuredly, into my ear
I begin to smile too
Just as the rain again picks up
Molten lead covers us both as I embrace you
They trace lines across and through me, to you
My blood washes into yours
But it doesn't matter
We aren't there anymore
We are long gone

It's alright

I am glad for this
For the few hours we have to talk together
For this walk we take under emerald canopy to shelter us
For the few minutes we have here together
For your fingers intertwined in mine
Even if just for a few seconds
I am glad I knew you before I didn't anymore

Leoben

You built this fortress around me
With walls built of glass and marble
So smooth, and so hard
I crouched down under the weight of it all
I trembled at the sheer size
That it might crush me at a moments notice
But as I pressed my face to the glass
I saw the cracks in the pane
The marble was loose and unfastened
I pushed upwards and outwards
Away and against it all
It cracked and shifted and moved
I climbed up and up on top of it
A mountain of shimmering fragments
I took your trap for me, your prison
And turned it into a shrine for myself

Keys in the bowl

I'm tired of seeing you under cover of darkness
Under the influence of mood altering substances and hallucinogenics
With pretense of friendship and long histories and shared experiences
I'm tired of all the fake bullshit and circumstance we come up with to prevent it from happening
I don't want to be your friend, I want to be the thing you cannot live without
I want to be the air you breath as you yawn in the morning, stretching away the last remnants of sleep
The flashlight you used as a child, to stay up late to read books of fantastical places
I want to be the last thought of your day, and the first thought of the next

And I want you to be none of those things for me
I want you to be just another drunken blackout

Martyrs

They stand waiting
The time for them is now
It is always their time
They glance up and down the sidewalk, patting down tufts of stray hairs and jamming hands down pockets
With a sidestep and crackle of pebbles, they set off down the way
They speak without whispering, they have nothing to hide from anyone
Tales of past nights of adventure, conquests, the trials of life and love
One chews loudly on handfuls of peanuts, each laugh spewing shrapnel
Like his laugh were so hearty it had coalesced into little brown pieces
They all smile
Breaking to the left into an alley, they withdraw hands from pockets
They are not scared, but prepared nonetheless
Unspoken but ready for the faceless dangers
I follow behind them, skipping a few steps at a time to keep up
Their gait outpaces me easily, as I run every few steps to keep up with them
I feel like I will never catch up
They will never slow down

The headlights flash ahead of me
It comes barreling down at us
I freeze in spot as they yell to me to run
They have already gotten to the side but I am trapped
It must have seemed like a good idea to each of them
As they each simultaneously dove out to push me out of the way
I tumbled away as they replaced me
Each one of them
They stood there smiling to me
As the car overtook them

This is a dedication to those who would do something
When so many would do nothing
Even when it is in fact the smart thing to do
This is a dedication to those who are compassion incarnate

Monday, June 20, 2011

Helpless



I couldn't do anything about it. I was trapped by myself. Cornered by my own lack of self control. All I could do was cry about it. I would come home from work, and just cry. I wasn't even really sad about it, but it was one thing I felt I could control. I could control my emotions about it. My wife didn't ever know what to do, she would find me crying in the dark in our dining room and just go back to our bedroom. She would lock the door. At first I think she cried too. Then a few months later, she left me. She never really warned me, she never tried to get me to seek professional help, we never fought. Maybe I should have seen it coming.

So now I had something to be sad about. So I cried even more. It got to be a little uncontrollable too. I would burst into tears on the bus going to work sometimes. It got to the point where I'd be sitting in a meeting, or going to get a cup of coffee, and I'd start crying. I wouldn't even know why. And what's worse, it would come with extreme feelings of depression, of sadness.

Now I was helpless to just one more thing.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Fangs


You're too pretty to be real
But then you flash that grin
A grin too wide at the lips
Teeth showing just a bit too much
Spaced apart like little tombstones sunken in wet clay
Jaws held apart, showing a deep dank maw beyond
It's a smile that speaks volumes for the real person behind your porcelain mask
It terrifies me more than the mystery of death

The search


Your eyes search within mine
Looking for something
Hunting
For something
You lick your lips in a questioning way
Waiting for that something to present itself
Something I don't quite understand
Something that isn't there

Half asleep smile


There's a kind of smile you sometimes have
Your eyes are half close, like you've just woken up
Mouth slowly curved upwards into a motion of contentedness
It feels like the simplest kind of happiness
The most truthful

I fall in love too easily


Every time I see you again, I am shocked. Both by the frequency and different forms you appear in. And especially by how shattered I feel when I meet you again, like falling in love for the first time all over again.

Goosebumps


A fleeting glance
Or a chance passing of an idea you thought you had left behind
The shrill plaintive wail of a soulful singer
Sends you spiraling into the darker corners of your mind
A place where you feel as vulnerable as a chipmunk in a deep forest
Where you feel naked and exposed to the world

Monday, June 13, 2011

Everything you see before me is mine



The things that mean nothing to our lives are usually the things that drives us to insanity.

Chromatosis



My head has blinders permanently fastened to it.
It stops me from seeing the way you see.

My brain is filled with rocks and mortar.
It stops me from thinking the way you think.

There is a leash around my heart.
It prevents me from feeling the way you feel.

The world is robbed of beauty and magic for me, life a little more mysterious, love a little more hollow. And yet when we go to bed, I'm not the one wondering if the world will still be around tomorrow.

Weedwhacker Murderer at my Window



There you are
You are wearing a suede jacket, covered in black dried blood
The shoulder pad smoking from being badly singed
You wield a weedwhacker in your hands, blade spinning high above your head
Your cheeks are red with blood as well
But it almost looks like tears on your porcelain face

I want to be afraid, but I'm not
I feel pity
I can see the pain in your eyes
I can see the destruction that has driven you to this point
All the pain that has led to me
Standing on the other side of the door
Hand firmly grasping the rusted metal knob
Eye staring unblinking out the window
As your rage crashes upon the glass
And cuts through my lung

I feel out of breath

Canyon of the Crescent Moon


When someone asks "So how have you been?" and you honestly have no meaningful answer, is it because there is nothing worth talking about, or because you haven't done anything worth talking about.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

With or Without you

I stood outside for you.
Waiting for awhile actually.
I watched the falling rain, felt it dropping onto me
Shivering just a little bit with each one that touched my shoulder
The trees shuddered with me, bending under the wake of the storm
The thunder crashed and lightning flashed,
But still I waited
I forget sometimes
That I am waiting for no one
That you already left
              That you're already gone


I like to stand in the rain and wait for you
The rain masks my face better than a smile ever could

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

The Beeline

All my life, I've lived afraid that the sky was too high, the sunset too far, the ocean too deep. That I would never get to the places I wanted to see, and do the things I meant to do.

Only now I realize that past the sky is the stars, past the sunset is whole other countries, and the ocean floor is not where the earth ends.

I will never see it all, but I will see all I can.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Stories of Deep Blue - The Dead Forest

The snow crunches under my feet. I feel a bit weary about it. When snow crunches, it means it is hard. Like ice. It makes it very easy to end up on a patch of thin ice, and fall through to the frozen water death lurking below. All around me was a sea of snow, with hills pushing up from the ground covered in white, and up ahead, a sparse treeline. 

Jacob is of little help at this point. He bounds back towards me, playfully, his paws not breaking the surface of the snow. Although his demeanor may seem wolf-like, he is the most shamefully cowardly dog you'll ever have the good fortune of meeting. While he may hunt his meals - at least I assume he hunts, he has never gone hungry for all the time I have had him, and I have never once fed him - at the slightest bit of danger he will tuck his tail and hide behind me.

Some sled dog.

His fur looks a little more orange than usual. Well, perhaps orange isn't the right word: I was wearing the orange sunglasses I always wore. I push them down my nose and look at him more carefully. He had come bounding from just beyond the treeline ahead of me. My heart quickened just a bit. His fur, normally as white as the snow itself, was now tinged just a little red, with a big bright red spot on his hind leg.

I knelt down to him, and examined a little closer. Running my brown mittened hand over his fur came back just a bit darker. I removed the glove and ran a bare finger through the bright spot.

Blood.

Jacob seemed fine, I don't think it was his own blood. He normally never came back this messy from a hunt of his own. Perhaps just a bit of blood near his snout, but thats ever been about it. His face was clean right now.

I wiped my mitten and finger on the snow, put it back on, and stood up again, drawing my jacket in just a bit for warmth.  Scanning the horizon, specifically near the treeline, I tried to strain to see what may be within it. The snow simply blinded me for my troubles, so I pushed my sunglasses back up.

I took stock of what I had with me once more, perhaps just delaying the inevitable, but cautious nonetheless. My long black coat, lined with dark grey fur, sufficiently cut the howling wind while keeping me warm. The black felt Stetson on my head, while perhaps impractical for weather on this planet, was a relic of the old world, so rare and unique, that I could never bear to part with it. It reminded me of a place I had never seen, and of people I had never met, nor ever will. A people doomed to a dying planet, orbitting a dying star, in a sky devoid of life.

I opened the bright red bag strapped across my shoulder: inside, as always, I found the assortment of bandages, liquids, pills, and tools necessary to my trade. All in its right pocket, all ready to be fetched in a moment of emergency.

I tugged on the straps around my shoulders, feeling the weight of the stretcher behind me. Bright orange as well, and on two skids, the stretcher held all of my worldly possessions on it. My tent, sleeping bag, and supplies and tools necessary to eke out a shelter for the night, and enough food to last awhile. I tried not to think about how long that may be.

Again I looked at the treeline. "Well Jacob, there's no time like the present." His ears perked up at his name, tongue lolling to the side. He seemed perfectly happy to follow me to the ends of the earth with never an explanation.

We pushed on towards the trees, now only a few minutes away from them. Jacob kept bounding towards the trees, and then running back towards me, barking. I felt a twinge in my temple.

He has found something... but no, that's not it. Something else is wrong here. 


I quickened my pace, and followed him into the trees. They were all dead, barren of leaves. A forest full of dead trees. It was a surprise they were still standing at all, and had not yet toppled to this wind.

The snow slowly started to take on a red hue. Jacob dodged off behind a few trees ahead, and I followed close behind.

There, in a small clearing, was a man lying on the ground, one forearm lying several feet from him. He was whimpering quietly, and breathing deeply. The snow by the stump of his arm had melted and turned a deep red. He had lost too much blood already.

I rushed towards him, pulled out bandages and a syringe from my bag. I used a pair of scissors to cut away the fur parka from his arms, to get better access.

"You're going to be okay, I'm a healer, I can help you. Just stay calm."

His eyes were unfocused, and he obviously didn't hear me at all. But as I slid the syringe into his other arm, his eyes widened just a bit. His dilated eyes came back into focus, and squarely on me.

"MOVE! MOVE! RUN!" He thrashed beneath me, but I held him down, waiting for the drugs to take effect. Right on queue, his muscles relaxed again, but still his eyes focused on me. He began to mouth something.

"What is it? I can't hear you. Are you okay?"

I put my ear right up to his mouth, and just barely heard over the howling wind, "They're coming for you too".

My temple twinged again, this time much more forcibly. I jerked up, just in time to see them jumping down from the tree branches. Lost Ones, perhaps six or seven of them. They were completely naked save for some cloth covering their feet and pelvises. Eyes completely black and unblinking. Mouths agape, teeth red. I glanced at the forearm lying across from me, and now finally noticed all the teeth marks up and down it. I had been foolish to miss that.

They closed in on me. I could hear Jacob barking fearfully, but the barks were distant: obviously he was scared for me, but he was more scared for himself to remain too close to the Lost Ones.

They closed in on me, now beginning to shriek. First one, then another, and another, until finally the wind itself was unheard over the ungodly shrieking they were making before me.

Until now, the fear had not registered: I suppose the adrenaline of rescuing this man had overridden that. But now that I had a moment to think for my own safety, my muscles locked up, unwilling to comply my retreat. I lay there, frozen in a crouch before them, as they approached.

I could feel my vision begin to redden. God, this is NOT the time to blackout. Stay awake! But it was too late. I could feel the strength leaving my muscles and my eyes close. The last thing I heard was the wet squishing of flesh being cut. While I didn't feel pain, I prayed still that it was not my own flesh.

Kendo

I remember my hands felt so tiny in yours
You held on to me tight
Scared I may run off

I remember the world was so much brighter then
So many routes left unexplored, just brimming with adventure
I wanted to see it all, and talk to everyone

I remember being scared to go alone
But you were so brave, you were a fighter
You would never let harm come of me

I realize now you were just a boy playing at being a man
I wish I could thank you now for being the man who took care of me

Summer breeze

When the wind lifts the tufts of my hair
I always imagine it is you, running your hands across my face
And up into my hair
I try to imagine the softness of your hair in my own hands
The warmth of your cheek on the backs of my fingers
I try to forget that you are here no more
That all I have to remember you by, is vague reminders from the wind

Abattoir


Imagine you are going to die. It's not so easy, is it? Without having ever felt that intense fear, that acceptance of what will soon be.

It's one thing to think you are imagining it, and another to actually feel it. To feel like you've gotten to the very cusp of life, and caught a glimpse of what lays beyond. To take full stock of your life in the blink of an eye. To instantly judge every single thing you have ever done, and thought "This is not enough. This has been a pointless waste."

To become so angry, so infuriated at life, that you come roaring back from the brink. To come renewed with zest for life, ready to beat the living fuck out of anyone who dares get in your way.

Carrying the torch


There are points in your life where you reach and see an obstacle.
And it could look unpassible, even impossible.
And so you stop, and you catch your breath,
And think "Well, I made it as far as I could"
And you turn back.

Next time, don't stop.
Say to yourself that, this too, you can beat.
Even if you are proud of where you are now.
Even if this is the furthest you ever got.
Think to yourself
"This is not the end, this point here is the beginning"

Sleeping bag


A sleeping bag is like a tiny capsule of privacy. It surrounds you an envelopes you. It's zipped up to keep out bad things and keep in the love and warmth. You can lay out on just about anything and make it
comfortable.

When you were a kid, you'd kick your feet up in the air, and let the blankets fold and gather beneath your legs. And gather it up all around you until you were just a blob in the middle of your bed. And you'd duck your head underneath and make believe you were on a capsule floating through space.

The sleeping bag is basically the adult version of that.

Fourth Dimension


The strain of time pulls on my fingernails
It holds me up and tugs me along throughout the day
And finally, finally, let's me be in peace as I drift to sleep
And joins me once again in my dreams

Just know


Just know
For all the mistakes I've made
And arguments I won
And the times I made you feel like shit
All I ever wanted was for you to feel loved
To feel like you mattered
Even if just to one person

Unbeknownst


The look of hope glimmering in your eye is so innocent.
I can't bear to break the truth to you.

Lovesick Lake


Your smile is like a muggy day, where the blue grays of the lake meet the gray blues of the sky, melding into one unending tapestry. So flawless that it reveals the true contour of the earth.

Limbo


Rocks crack crystalline waves without end
Currents push and pull and churn,
making the surface frothy and opaque
It feels unending
It feels...
meaningless

Background Character


When I have the most fun, is when I realize you're not there.
I realize how much better it would be if you were.

Tiger Cage


Locked in a tiger cage
I stare him down
Willing him to yield
To relent
He snorts derisively
He knows who the master is
I sit
I clench the bull-whip in my hand and close my eyes
I sleep
And he sleeps too

Searching for Water


Sitting on the banks of rolling black asphalt
I close my eyes and lean back onto the long grass
Made brown and black from constant suffocation
If you've been near it enough, you'll find the highway,
at night,
is as soothing as the rolling waves of the ocean

Chevy Styleline

The sky is grey
Thick with exhaust and spent petroleum
Rain will be harsh if it comes
The sun bites through the haze
Making small entryways for the fumes to enter me
I swat at it like an irritating fly
Of course it makes no difference
I roll my window down
Exhaling deeply, I read the bumper sticker for the twenty second time
"if it's on time, it's a 'Fluke'"
It wasn't funny the first time, but it has strangely become hilarious,
in that "36-hours-awake-and-still-not-finished-working" kind of way
My engine coughs loudly for attention
I push the shift stick to neutral, and ease my foot onto the pedal
Just to let it know I haven't forgotten about her
Sirens blare behind me, but they move on past me
I exhale deeply

Tunnel Vision


Your voice reaches me across the tunnel
Robbed of echo and color
Like the men on old radios
It must be what space feels like

Guarine


The only reason I push myself so hard and live life so fast, is because every moment I am left to catch my breath, you catch up with me again.

Terra Firma


Just a few strums of the guitar, and I can already hear a lifetime of heartache and empty roads.

Old country roads


I race silently in the night
Cars slither past, eyes avoiding my gaze as we pass each other
I focus on the pale yellow line ahead
Faded and cracking
I sigh loudly, but no one is around to hear me

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Smitten


It's that little cherry bounce in your voice
That silver glazing on every sigh
The extra curl on the end of your smile
The little wrinkles on each eye
And the long gazes off to what may be