Driving back from Waterloo

We used to drive all the time at night. I remember it would always be dark out, and I would open my window all the way, take my seatbelt off, and sit up on my knees, my cheek pressed to the bottom of the window sill in the door. Eyes shut tight as the wind whipped through my hair, and the orange of the street lights would light up the darkness under my lids every few seconds.

With my head sideways, I would pretend I was in a convertible, and then in a rocket ship as we passed between orange stars. I would pretend the songs on the radio were the aliens singing greetings to us as we passed by, sing songy voices in foreign languages I didn't know but sounded so familiar.

I would sometimes scare myself with visions of what those aliens might look like, and I would open my eyes, and see my dad in the drivers seat beside me. My mother in the back seat. She with her eyes closed and asleep. He looking ahead. I don't remember ever looking out in front of the car myself. I remember looking out each side, trying to look up at the moon, looking backwards at all the cars chasing after us as we won the race. I don't remember ever looking forward at where we were going.

I remember just as we got home, I would always sit back down on my seat as we turned the corner to our house. And I would shut my eyes real tight and pretend to be asleep. And my parents would sit for a moment in the car, having some grown up conversation, before getting up and out. And my dad would come to my side and open my door, asking my mom if I was asleep, and I would reply, with eyes still closed and voice bright without a trace of sleep in it "I'm not asleep, I'm only pretending!" and we would all laugh. Every night. I would be so pleased with how clever I was.

These days I'm always the driver. It's what I prefer. I prefer being the person in charge of the destination, the reason my friends and family get to and from places dry and safe. But more than that, for some reason, I like the idea that, late at night as I drive, my friends fall asleep in the passenger seats, and maybe they're really wide awake and dreaming of chasing the stars in spaceships too.