Jenny

I lie awake by the pool
Lying on a wicker lounge chair
The weave of the intertwined wood cuts into my cheek
The uncut hair on my face digs into the material, make it hard to shift easily
But I don't feel it.

I think about her driving.
It seems silly now, the things we argued about. 
She would take a wrong turn, and I would snap
I would accuse her of always doing the wrong things
Of trying to get us lost, of wasting my time
I'm not sure why I ever made it such a big deal

My left hand hangs over the edge, fingertips grazing the water
My middle and ring finger are wrinkled from having strayed there too long
The pool is undisturbed, except for the small waves emanating from my fingers

I remember her brushing her teeth at night
She had a daily routine. 
Tongue scraper, floss, brush, mouthwash, and final inspection
Then she would come to kiss me good night
But every night she would forget to do one of those things
For 10 years, she never managed to get it quite right
And only when she kissed me, would she realize which part she had forgotten
She would have to go back and do it a second time just to get it right. 
I would always laugh when she went back to the bathroom. 
I did the first few years anyways. 
It was cute. 
Then it wasn't anymore. 

The sun is low on the horizon, hiding behind dark gray clouds
My eyes feel cloudy
Like they have gone unblinking for some time
I unfocus my eyes on the pool
The sea foam blue tiles of the deck intermingle with the soft blue glow of the water
My house, dark and impotent, crouches down by the path leading here
Separated by a small hedge brush, meticulously kept and even.

I remember the last day I saw her. 
It was like any other morning. 
At least any other morning those days. 
She made my coffee. 
We wouldn't look at each other, I with my nose in a book, eating my morning bagel. 
Her, just sitting there, drinking her tea. 
Staring off into space. 
Never once did I wonder what she was looking at. 
Never did I ask what it was she saw on that empty lily white wall. 
I left the house without even saying a goodbye. 

I pull my hand back for just a moment, to take another swig from the glass of scotch nearby
I would wince at the taste, but my taste buds have long since given up on telling me what to do

Her funeral was surreal for me. 
I had been so angry at her. 
I can't believe now how angry I was. 
I wanted her to come back to life, not because I wanted her back, but so that I could tell her off thoroughly for giving up on us. 
I remember seeing her body in that coffin, and feeling such... hate. 
I remember her brother putting an arm around me, and me knocking him out cold. 
I remember being in the hospital, after her family had come at me. 

I return my fingers to the water
Hoping that a small wind will pick up
That the water will reach up and swallow me whole

I remember the first time I met her. 
The first time I ever saw her smile
A smile that had caused all the blood in my body to run just a little hotter. 
She had come along with another friend of mine. 
I remember my friend leaning over, and whispering in my ear "Damn... she's cute"
I had laughed, and said "Never in a million years would she look at a guy like me"
And that's right when she looked at me